


Shattered

by Courtanie



Category: South Park
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Friendship/Love, M/M, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-01
Updated: 2015-05-01
Packaged: 2018-03-26 14:11:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,139
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3853549
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Courtanie/pseuds/Courtanie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kenny consistently leaves Kyle behind as he dies, but he always wakes up to a gentle smile and a warm heart. Both of them wonder, however, if it'll ever be enough.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Shattered

**Author's Note:**

> Songfic from 2010. The song is Shattered by Trading Yesterday. This fic switches between Ken and Ky's POV's between each lyric, starting with Kenny's and is based on time progression, not all at once haha. Enjoy~

_**Yesterday I died, tomorrow's bleeding**_  
_**Fall into your sunlight**_  
  
Somedays it’s just not worth it. I find myself waking up into blinding light time after time only to fall back into it in such a short amount of time and spiral into darkness. Such little time spent being where I want to be...doing what I want to do.  
  
_**The future's open wide beyond believing**_  
_**To know why hope dies**_  
  
I don’t know what to expect from him anymore. I don’t know why I ever thought that I would be able to expect anything to be honest. I lose him...time after time, only to lose him once more. It’s never spoken between us; this thing that keeps happening to him. It’s just accepted. But neither of us can really accept what we see, all we know is that it’ll happen again. And all we can do is wait until finally, it stops.  
  
_**Losing what was found, a world so hollow**_  
_**Suspended in a compromise**_  
  
I can feel everything that I once had slipping through my fingers as I find myself being brought back to life. Dreams, hopes, my ability to be myself...it’s fading. I find myself surrounded by a world that just takes what I go through as mere routine. I can’t find the words to be able to argue with them; to tell them that this is not normal and they shouldn’t be so unconcerned about it.  
  
...But they are. And I’d rather hold onto the one person that actually stays beside me each time I fall. Bringing up this debate may very well shred what we have. Reality would be a barrier to us; it’s better to just keep things as they are.  
  
For both of us.  
  
_**The silence of this sound is soon to follow**_  
_**Somehow sundown**_  
  
So often I’ve found myself merely sitting on the sidewalk, staring at him as blood flows freshly from his body in the quiet stillness of morning. It’s always like this.  
  
Silent.  
  
Even as he gets back to his feet, that’s all we have: silence.  
  
I think that’s all we can do. I don’t think he wants it acknowledged; I think he just wants to go about his day all that he can until he finds himself struck down yet again. I’m afraid. Afraid that actually talking about it would hurt him too much. It would wake us both up to the fact that this shouldn’t be happening; that something’s wrong.  
  
Silence...seems so much more fitting.  
 For his sake.  
  
_**And finding answers**_  
_**Is forgetting all of the questions we call home**_  
_**Passing the graves of the unknown**_  
  
Somedays, all I do is wonder.  
  
Myself and Kyle walk beside each other, heading down the walkways towards wherever the hell we feel like in quiet, synchronized footsteps. I often just stare at the sidewalk, watching the cracks of the cement as we pass over them.  
  
I try not to, but I can’t help but question what on Earth is happening to me. It just seems so...unfair; so unjustified. There’s so much I want to ask.  
  
But there’s so much that I don’t want to know.  
  
Figuring out what’s going on...may prove to be just too much for me to handle should I ever learn.  
  
After all, what...if there is no reason? What if all of this is meaningless, wantless destruction of myself just for someone’s amusement?  
  
I can’t handle that.  
  
Kyle and I tend to walk past the graveyard no matter where we’re going. Both our eyes drift up and watch tombstone after tombstone being passed by. I know these people.  
  
I’ve never met any of them; but I know them. They’re cold, alone, and scared. I get to feel warmth and comfortable friendship day after day upon my returns.  
  
But they don’t get that. They’re permanently secured in the abyss of the unknown. They envy me; but they’re glad that they’re not me.  
  
_**As reason clouds my eyes, with splendor fading**_  
_**Illusions of the sunlight**_  
_**And the reflection of a lie will keep me waiting**_  
_**Love gone for so long**_  
  
The first few times I saw Kenny return from the dead, I was amazed. He was the first death that I ever witnessed; that I ever experienced. I cried for hours on end; being just a little kid, all I was told was I wouldn’t be able to talk to my friend ever again because he was going to sleep for forever.  
  
But then he came back and all of a sudden, there was light again. I thought that this proved there was a god watching over us; one that heard my cries and decided to bring him back to me.  
  
Then it happened again. And again.  
  
Before long, it was considered nothing more than an annoyance by everyone. Everyone but me, at least. I acted nonchalant with the rest of the town...but it hurt. What was happening to Kenny time and again...made me question that god that I was so sure of when I saw him come back that first time.  
  
Someone’s toying with him. No loving, caring god would do this to my friend.  
  
But...it’s something that I have to hold onto. The idea that that god is still bringing him back to me...it’s all I have anymore. I want Kenny to stay...I want him with me until it’s really his time to go.  
  
As of now, though...all I can do is cling onto childhood fantasies. Nothing is stopping this onslaught on him, and there’s nothing I can do about it. So I’ll just stand beside him and wait. Maybe one day it’ll stop and more will open up for us.  
  
But until then...I’ll just wait.  
  
_**This day's ending is the proof of time killing all the faith I know**_  
_**Knowing that faith is all I hold** _  
_**And I’ve lost who I am**_  
_**And I can't understand**_  
_**Why my heart is so broken**_  
_**Rejecting your love**_  
  
When I was a kid, I was constantly told to go to church, to be that good little Christian boy. I was told that should my faith be strong enough, I would be okay in the end.  
  
I can’t figure out what end they meant. I’ve had so many...should I really be putting my faith into a god that won’t give me a set ending time and instead just uses me as his plaything?  
  
I think not.  
  
I’ve had to instill my faith into other mediums...and unfortunately, I happened to choose the boy who walks beside me.  
  
I depend on him; I lean on him. I’ve basically used his very existence for my own selfish purposes.  
  
But there’s something to that: he doesn’t mind. He welcomes it. And it tears me apart.  
  
I know I can’t be as close to him as he wants me to be; as I want to be. I’m too shaky and unstable for my own good. I can’t trust anything to the extent that I wish I could. Everything that I’ve had leaves me just because I keep on falling.  
  
He’s the one thing that I absolutely refuse to lose if I can keep it that way.  
  
It hurts...it really does. But I know better than to let things go on their own course. If I’ve learned anything, it’s that fate is a lie and will stab you in the back time and again. You have to make the path for yourself if you can.  
  
It saves you the heartbreak.  
  
_**Without love gone wrong**_  
_**Lifeless words**_  
_**Carry on**_  
  
Despite the fact that we have to deal with Kenny constantly leaving and the complete stillness around the situation, I can’t say that it’s all that terrible being us.  
  
We’re friends. The very best of friends.  
  
After Stan and Cartman began avoiding us when they got sick of Kenny “interfering” with plans, the two of us started bonding closer and closer. Soon we were inseparable, which for us was great. He wanted someone to wait and I just wanted someone to talk to.  
  
Anymore, all it is is generic conversations. Typical small talk...but it’s something. As dry as we may seem, our talks are everlasting to us. They fill a void that nothing else fills. We’re both alone in some way; we’re both left to our own until we’re reunited.  
  
Our talks last with us until we can see each other again. It’s something to hang onto as time slowly ticks by as I stare at his bleeding form sprawled out on the ground. I can think about what he’ll say next; about how to start our next talk. It’s fleeting, I know...but it’s something. It’s all I have...and for now, I’ll consider it to be enough.  
  
_**But I know**_  
_**All I know**_  
_**Is that the ends beginning**_  
  
My deaths seem to be doing nothing but continuing on and on and I can’t help but find this to be nothing more than a lead up to my own pessimism.  
  
I know what it means. It’s all leading up to my final death. And the terrifying thing is, I know that it could just as easily be tomorrow as it could be eighty years from now.  
  
Which of those I would prefer, I’m not entirely sure. I’m not sure which one Kyle would prefer, either.  
  
It’s killing me.  
  
_**Who I am from the start**_  
_**Take me home to my heart**_  
_**Let me go**_  
_**And I will run**_  
_**I will not be silenced**_  
  
Kenny once asked me who I was.  
  
At first, I thought he was joking. But he bore his blue eyes straight into mine and I could see he was far from kidding around.  
  
_“What do you mean?”_ I’d asked.  
  
_“How do I know you’re real?”_  
  
That sent me spiraling. My entire world almost shattered around me as we stood and stared blankly at each other.  
  
He was right. I couldn’t prove to him that I was real...that anything we were experiencing was really happening. I just couldn’t answer him. So he turned...and walked on.  
  
I couldn’t follow him. I wanted to. God, I wanted to sprint after him, grab him, and shake him until he could see that I was really there.  
  
But I couldn’t. Something was holding me back.  
  
Fear of the consequences of acceptance, I believe. Terror of realization.  
  
Because after all...what if it was _him_ that wasn’t real?  
  
One day I hope to grow past these feelings of fear and embrace him with the comfort of my existence. I want to just shout at him that I’m here. I’ve always been right here.  
  
Until then, it’s just best to leave things up to fate.  
  
_**All this time spent in vain**_  
_**Wasted years**_  
_**Wasted gain**_  
_**All is lost**_  
  
What if it’s true?  
  
What if I’m really just living so that I can die? What does that make me? What does that make anything for that matter?  
  
Is life nothing more than a waste of time?  
  
Am I here for amusement? To give people a taste of the one they call God and his divine intervention?  
  
All I know is that I am a puppet, and fate is pulling my strings far too harshly.  
  
_**Hope remains**_  
_**And this war's not over**_  
  
Kenny’s breaking, I can tell. Reality’s crushing him and I can’t feel anything less than the purest sorrow for it.  
  
I care about him. I don’t like seeing him cracking down; trying to keep his head above water in a quickly-filling room.  
  
But something has to be keeping him floating. He’s holding on and trying to live for something unknown to me.  
  
He’s splintering, but he’s not shattered. He’s fighting for something.  
  
I don’t care what it is. If it keeps him from falling apart and becoming nothing more than a shell of the bright, blonde-haired kid I know, then I can’t be more thankful for it.  
  
_**There’s a light**_  
_**There’s the sun**_  
_**Taking all the shattered ones**_  
_**To the place we belong**_  
_**And his love will conquer**_  
  
Sometimes when I wake up from the sidewalk, my skin completely caked in dried blood, I’ll find Kyle right there beside me with a smile and a warm washcloth.  
  
No matter where I am; whether it be sun or a blizzard, he’s always there waiting for me to wake up. I think he wants to just be sure that I’m coming back. He’s scared out of his mind for me. That’s just the kind of kid he is.  
  
Somedays I wonder just why he does what he does. I don’t think I would be able to if we were reversed. But something keeps him beside me all; the time; making sure I’m well when I’m actually walking amongst the living. Taking me to his house for food or a place to crash or whatever he thinks that I need.  
  
I can’t really see any other way for us to be. For years it’s just been us walking together; completely shut off from the rest of the world because of what I am.  
  
It hurts.  
  
Kyle shouldn’t be suffering just because of me...even though he doesn’t seem to be suffering really. He’s quiet, but always smiling for me when I’m lost in thought. That’s the thing I never seem to find in his eyes: Pity. He doesn’t pity me, not like the others did before they abandoned me. I just watch his emerald eyes brighten as I come back into consciousness and can’t help but smile back at him. He just seems so...happy when he sees I’ll live another day.  
  
I think sometimes I come back just so I can see his eyes lighten up. He’s alone sans myself. I think I owe him more than I give, but as of now, he just seems happy with my returns. And I’m happy to be the only one able to make him feel as such.  
  
_**And I’ve lost who I am**_  
_**And I can't understand**_  
_**Why my heart is so broken**_  
_**Rejecting your love**_  
  
I used to be very pronounced with who I was. I was the opinionated Jewish kid everyone knew. I wasn’t popular or well-liked by a long shot, but I was still someone who was somewhat recognized.  
  
Nowadays, the only way you know me is if you know Kenny. I’ve been dubbed as ‘that kid who’s always with McCormick’. Honestly, I’m fine with that. I’d rather be known as that than ‘the Jew’ any day.  
  
The problem is that I lost a lot as I got closer to Ken. Stan, my Super Best Friend, left me behind; Saying that everything went wrong when we were with Kenny and he couldn’t take it anymore. I didn’t know what to say...so I turned and walked away to walk home with Kenny.  
  
I see Stan still, walking the halls with Craig and Cartman. Sometimes our eyes lock and there’s a moment of heavy tension. But it’s not hateful, it’s remorseful.  
  
One day not too long ago, he took me aside and told me that things could go back to how they were if I just stopped following Ken around. He still wanted to be my friend, but he couldn’t take Kenny’s constant deaths. He claimed it was too much on his sensitive nerves or something.  
  
He had no idea.  
  
As much as I wanted Stan back, I guess something wanted Kenny’s company more. So for the second and final time, I turned and walked away from him.  
  
Going back to the way things were is never going to happen. It’s something I’ve come to accept as the years have gone by. After all, I’m perfectly content walking through the falling snow with my tall blonde-haired friend. Whether or not he’s happy with just me, I wouldn’t know. But unless he tells me otherwise, I’m going to assume that it’s making him happy, too. Until that day, I’m going to keep on walking beside him.  
  
_**Without love gone wrong**_  
_**Lifeless words**_  
_**Carry on**_  
  
I don’t think Kyle really understands what his company is to me.  
  
It’s the only solace I ever get in the midst of all the death and hatred I deal with day after day. And maybe it’s not just the company, but the way Kyle is himself.  
  
He actually cares. He’s not just there because he likes death and wants to watch me revive, he’s there because he wants to be sure that I’m going to be alright. He always seems so relieved when I awake, with that smile of his slowly spreading across his pale face.  
  
_“You okay?”_ he always asks. Always. He doesn’t know that I’m completely numb the entire time through. He doesn’t know that I feel nothing until my body is completely healed and I’m up on my feet again.  
  
But I’ll never tell him that.  
  
Those two words mean more to me than anything I could have ever imagined; than anyone could imagine.  
  
It means he cares. It means that he’ll still be there the next time I fall. Waiting for me just to utter two meaningless words phrased in the most beautiful of ways.  
  
They keep me going; they open my ears. Two words that keep me awake. Two words that make me so much more apt to actually pay attention to this world that I’m so often forced out of. I’ve learned so much from him just because he takes the time to ask.  
  
I owe him my life. But instead, all I can give him are my deaths.  
  
_**But I know**_  
_**All I know**_  
_**Is that the ends beginning**_  
   
I feel as though Kenny and I are simply toying with each other at times. He’ll awake and suddenly everything seems so much brighter to me. But then he’ll leave again and my world will become overcast once more.  
  
And I know that when I give him food and other necessities, I make his day better. I give him something that no one else will and I know he appreciates it.  
  
But then...the rest of the time I’m just...there. Clinging to him like a shadow. And whenever he wakes up, I’ll stupidly ask if he’s okay. Just because I need to stop myself from the barrage of idiotic questions furiously swimming through my mind.  
  
I want to know if he’s hurt. I want to know what he sees and feels and can touch...I want to know if he thinks about me. If he can think at all.  
  
There’s just so much that I don’t know and it drives me insane. When we walk beside each other in silence, our small talk dwindled down to nothing, I think. I wish I didn’t, but I do. I think about how annoying I must seem to be so adamant on being with him. I think about how there’s a possibility he may like my company.  
  
There’s a lot I think about, but I always end up back on square one because I just don’t know. There’s too much that I wish I did know about, that I wish I could read Kenny’s mind to learn...but it’s just not meant to be like that.  
  
Somedays I think that my trailing is going to end something for us. Whether it be or friendship or something else...I don’t know. And if it is our friendship, I can see it falling apart in one of two ways: Either we drift apart completely, or we fall closer into each other.  
  
I know which one I want, but I don’t know about Ken. Whichever it is, it’s starting to unravel what we have. And I just have to watch until we finally reach the end of the strand.  
  
_**Who I am from the start**_  
_**Take me home to my heart**_  
_**Let me go**_  
_**And I will run**_  
_**I will not be silenced**_  
  
Kyle’s scared.  
  
Actually, he’s terrified. But of what, I can’t say for sure.  
  
I don’t think he realizes how easily I can read him anymore. His usually bright, clear eyes seem clouded and flitting. He bites his lip nervously as he stares at the sidewalk and I stare at him.  
  
I’m the one person in this world who knows the taste of death; who’s seen it time after time for myself. I know more about death than Satan himself...but when I look at Kyle, I’m nothing more than a blind fool.  
  
All I want to do is ask him that question that I love hearing from him. But I can’t seem to be able to do it. My throat is constricted by the weight of my own fears.  
  
His reveal may tear us apart. Maybe he’s tired of me, too. He wants to leave like everyone else but he’s just too nice to say it out loud.  
  
One day though. One day...soon. I’ll have to. He’s worried about me...so I need to be more worried about him. Or at least show it, because I know perfectly well that I’m concerned. But does he?  
  
_**All this time spent in vain**_  
_**Wasted years**_  
_**Wasted gain**_  
_**All is lost**_  
  
Kenny’s becoming distant...I did something wrong. He stares at me and I don’t know what to say. I’m so afraid of what he’s thinking...I knew it.  
  
He hates me. He hates me because I live. He doesn’t like that I’m hounding him, that I’m babying him. He wants me to stop.  
  
Tears continually well in my eyes but I won’t let them fall as he watches me. Not until he actually says it himself. I’m relishing what we have for now; I’m staving out all that I can.  
  
I cry when he dies, but quickly so my eyes aren’t red when he wakes up. I smile as I always have, though I feel my heart breaking as he smiles back.  
  
_It’s not real. None of this is real._  
  
_**Hope remains**_  
_**And this war's not over**_  
  
He’s still here.  
  
I have to keep telling myself that. I have to keep reminding myself that if he wanted to leave, he could just walk away from my broken body on the street. But instead, he waits for me patiently.  
  
He doesn’t want to leave at all. After so long of him acting so scared around me, I can only guess that if he hated me so much, he would have said something by now.  
  
Right?  
  
This thought keeps me smiling back at him, unspoken truths hiding behind our teeth as we force them across our face.  
  
Something needs to be done; we can’t shelter ourselves from each other for forever.  
  
I’ll have to figure something out.  
  
_**There’s a light**_  
_**There’s the sun**_  
_**Taking all the shattered ones**_  
_**To the place we belong**_  
_**And his love will conquer all**_  
_**Yes his love will conquer all**_  
  
I’m at a loss. I want to be so much closer to Kenny, I want to be able to actually say something...but worry prevents me from doing so.  
  
Best friends seems like such a fluid term anymore. But what does it really mean for the two of us?  
  
Constant companion. Person to small talk with. Readers of each other’s emotions...it just seems so simple to me. Like it’s not really supposed to be like it is. It just seems far too easy for me when there’s such underlying complications.  
  
We can’t face reality together. We can’t go a day without him dying and me worrying. We can’t look fate in the face and spit at it as we so want to. Whatever is going to happen...will. We can’t turn around and walk away from it like I did to Stan, like he did to his faith.  
  
It’s unstoppable.  
  
We walk together for what seems to me to be nothing more than our typical stroll through the town before we both simultaneously raise our eyes to meet with that of the graveyard.  
  
So many deaths.  
  
Kenny’s lived all these deaths and then some. He’ll do it again today. Then tomorrow once more. It’ll keep happening until his puppeteer finally plays for too long and breaks his marionette strings and sends him into a crumpled heap on the floor.  
  
I nearly jump as I feel a hand sliding into my own, lacing our fingers together and grasping my palm lightly. I blink a few times, still staring at the grave markers and lick my lips mindlessly. My fingers curl up and squeeze his hand back as we stand and stare off at the cemetery.  
  
He died yesterday, he’ll be gone today, he’ll leave me tomorrow. But he’ll always be beside me, so long as I promise to never leave him in the midst of our comforting silence.  
  
_**Yesterday I died, tomorrow's bleeding**_  
_**Fall into your sunlight**_  
  



End file.
